Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like you're mediocre at a whole bunch of things but great at nothing?
That was me yesterday.
The house is picked up, but far from clean. We were fed, but it consisted of leftovers and cereal. It happens from time to time, no big deal, but for some reason I was really bothered by it last night.
I slept on it and I think it's just the culmination of a stressful few weeks that has me a little off kilter. Not to get all psychoanalytical, but I think I have a tendency to be so consumed with being everything for everybody...that I forget about me.
Drew ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago and has since had a myriad of tests to try to get to the bottom of things - and we're not done yet. He's good now. It's nothing serious and the scary stuff has been ruled out. I put on a super brave face, but goddammit if I wasn't pretty freaked out when the nurse asked about living wills and the doctor mentioned blood transfusions. And why is it that every time someone is sick, and you're not quite sure why, that damn cancer word keeps popping into your mind?
Jack is the absolute light of my life but gosh darn if the kid doesn't wear me out. He needs something every. single. minute. He talks constantly. And bedtime? The success story from last week is already ancient history. Little bugger played us like a fiddle. He cashed in his reward and hasn't had a successful bedtime routine since. We're right back to either falling asleep in bed with him and losing the entire evening or fighting with him until 10:00 when we all give up and crash. I know this too shall pass, but sometime soon would be nice.
And then there's me. You guys already know about my fertility struggles and PCOS. As a result, my hormones are unpredictable to say the least. Strangely, birth control pills can be helpful in leveling things out. However, after struggling so many years to have Jackson and knowing that we want more children, taking birth control is kind of counter-productive. Instead, I just deal with the unpredictable (which usually means nonexistent) monthly cycles that are a textbook symptom of PCOS. Until February when my body did a complete 180 and is now pretty much living in a constant state of "cycle". Not cool. And annoying. To say the least. So there's that.
And that, my friends, is why I've felt a bit out of sorts around here. And now I've aired my dirty laundry for the inter webs to read.
Blogging is such a strange thing. I started this blog to journal about my pregnancy. I kept it going to record the milestones of my son's life and share them with our long-distance family and friends. Somewhere along the way it became my own personal journal of sorts. A place to dump my thoughts and clear my head. Not to mention an amazing record of this time in our lives that I know I will cherish one day.
The problem is, I'm not the only one who reads it. And I'd be lying if I said that wasn't on my mind every time I write. Which is why this post in particular was such an internal struggle for me.
I've tried hard not to make The Elser 411 just a superficial look at all that's wonderful in our lives. After all, that wouldn't be reality. But I'm also not as brave as some of my other favorite bloggers, like this one who doesn't hesitate to bash her in-laws or talk about sex. I can't help but worry about the ramifications of my words. Will Drew misunderstand me if I mention feeling under appreciated? Maybe he'd prefer I kept his medical information private. Do my frustrations with our three-year-old make me sound ungrateful? If I write about being stressed out will my Mom worry unnecessarily? Despite how much it's been on my mind lately, will I ever be brave enough to actually write about our sex life? And oh my gawd I just told you about my period! *GASP*
I apologize for over sharing. But I have to say, I think writing this all down - putting it somewhere other than just in my head - is more therapeutic than I give it credit for. I really do feel better. And I'm looking forward to this weekend. We have no plans which means I have 2 full days to get myself organized and create some order in my life. It's no secret that I'm at my best when I have order!
If nothing else, this exercise reminded me that I don't have to be everything to everybody all the time.
Sometimes just being me is enough.
And sometimes a message from someone you love is all it takes to get back on track.
2 comments:
I hear you! You love your kids dearly but they drive you crazy. You just want a moment alone to pee. Sometimes I take my phone in the bathroom, lock the door and pretend I'm using the bathroom just for some quiet time! Medical issues suck! We've had our share here that I was told to keep private. I started a 10 minute timer every night where everyone helps pick their stuff up so I dont have too. That has been awesome! It's hard working full time and then spending your whole weekend picking up the loose ends of everything that fell apart over the week. Plus all the other "duties" (yes that includes sex!) :) I often wonder when I get time to just sit or simply sleep! Just know you are not alone! I think we need a Diers girls get away???? Right now I just do what I can to survive each day!
Robin,
Thank you so much for the comment. It really does help to know that you're not alone. I always worry when I post these types of things that everyone will freak out and make a bigger deal out of it than it is. Most of the time, by the time I write about it I've already worked through it and moved on. But it doesn't change the fact that life is hard sometimes. And being a mom is hard sometimes. And no one is perfect. And that's okay! Anyway, thanks. And yes, yes, yes to a Diers girls get together. Or even a Hromadka/Elser girls get together! :)
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